5- The Murder of George Floyd

For those of you that are close with me, you know I've been focused on writing my own book these past few months, but my balance and ability to sit down and write about my own life was quickly thrown off on May 25, 2020 when another unarmed black man was murdered at the hands of police on a street I used to walk daily a few years ago.

My fiance, Justin, and I made some of our earliest memories on this block. The countless times we sat in Cup waiting on our food, the night a man was shot in the alley behind Cup and Justin got roped in to the crime scene as a witness, the night we watched our neighbors house go up in flames behind us, and the only home I've ever lived where our entire neighborhood always came together during tough times to take care of one another. Living on this block was never uneventful, and we never lacked in love for our community. A piece of me will always be on that block.

When I walked past my old house and down Chicago toward 38th, I found myself shaking. Shaking because my muscle memory put me in a mental space of me walking down the street a few years ago. It felt like a typical day walking up to Cup from my house, but when I turned the corner and saw the giant pile of flowers where George took his last breath, it was as if all my emotions blended and I didn't even know what I was feeling. Hurt, anger, confusion... what if I had been walking up to cup when this happened. I could've saved his life if only I had been there. I still haven't felt emotionally sound since my first day out there on 38th and Chicago. I'm not alone in these feelings.

After spending some time honoring George at his memorial with my community I headed down to the third precinct to hold the line with my brothers and sisters, this was the last day of that precinct, as it was burned down after I was home later that night..

I made my way to the front where a line of black men with their backs turned to the police stood tall and built a wall of protection between all of us and the police. I held it in but I was almost in tears. I wanted to cry at the beauty of seeing my black brothers unafraid and unshaken when it comes to the protection of their loved ones, but I was also heartbroken that the rest of this world can't hear or see what our black men are willing to do for their communities...

I don't know everyone that has been out there peacefully protecting our community, but the ones I know, I love deeply and consider my family. I hear Donald Trump's words echo in the back of my mind calling on our military to "shoot these thugs" and I find myself mentally scrambling not knowing what to do to keep them safe. These feelings are just a snapshot of the fear my black brothers and sisters feel EVERY SINGLE DAY. and honestly, I too live with this fear daily because I know the family I love won't be protected if anything were to happen and it kills me.

After my time at 38th and the 3rd precinct, I made my way over to St. Paul where things were just starting to happen. I parked and walked down University. There wasn't a crowd of hundreds or thousands it was just pure chaos. There were individuals and people in small groups just everywhere and everyone had a different goal. Some were there for Justice, Some were there just to scream their grief at police officers, some were there to watch, and some were there to loot.

Police were shifting from one business to the other trying to protect them from looters, a large crowd would form in front of a business drawing the police in, and others would go to an unguarded business and break in. I think this is why we saw so much looting early on this week. People started to figure out that there wasn't enough police to protect every business. Once a business was broken into I would see one officer standing by as people run out of foot locker with bags of clothes and shoes. It was one of the wildest things I've ever witnessed.

I was very confused as to why the officer wasn't doing anything. Now I see it was easier for them to focus attention on guarding buildings that were still in tact, rather than trying to stop looters in one area only to have the unguarded area looted too. It was pure madness out there.

Here are my thoughts on the looting and burning down of buildings... I only really care about the local small businesses that were burned and the stores that provide people with basic supplies. I don't agree with looting, but I don't care that historically marginalized people are walking out with bags of clothes and Nikes. I don't care because all of those people have likely experienced either lower pay in jobs, have a less likely chance of going to college, or have had to financially provide for loved ones who are in prison or their children. I don't care nor do I blame them. And I should also mention, before we knew we had outsiders in town, many middle class suburb white people were out there looting too. I watched girls that looked just like me carrying bags of items out of Target. I will quickly end a conversation if someone tries to blame the looting and rioting on our black communities. Once one person starts, we will always have a handful that follow. I believe this is what we saw early on, but with the discovery of outsiders causing destruction, many of our people who followed at the beginning, stopped participating in destruction and began protecting.

The burning down of Cub, Target and Dollar Tree I care about simply because many elderly people or those who use public transit have no means of getting basic necessities or medications. This is harm to communities that already have very little. The financial loss of these big businesses like Target carries no weight to me, Target is insured, they will be fine. But until these supply stores are rebuilt, people will need continuous help. Especially in the months to come when churches and different groups are no longer out giving away supplies so freely. We must continue to support those communities until they are rebuilt.

This is why I've chosen to focus the rest of my time in Minneapolis supporting those communities. I want justice for George just as badly as the thousands who have filled the streets in peaceful protest, but during this time I've found that the best place for me to spend my energy is in spaces of safety, love and healing. I've paid my respects to George Floyd's community memorial on 38th each day I've been out. I had the privilege of contributing to the first group of flowers, and after military tanks drove over the memorial site, I had the privilege of contributing to the second group of flowers, that grew even larger than the first.

I've spent all of my time supporting my loved ones in Minneapolis through deep conversation, gathering and handing out supplies, making sure our leaders are eating and resting, and just being there in solidarity to support my people during this painful yet revolutionary time.

Through the pain, fear and destruction I've witnessed more beauty this past week then I can even put into words. Love filled chaos. People praying over each other, circling up for healing, watching out for each other, I even saw a looter apologize after bumping into someone and people offering bags to help carry the stolen goods. I'm not glorifying the stealing I was in awe to see how much love there was amongst everyone toward everyone who wasn't in uniform. This is the piece that cannot be captured on TV, I'm grateful to witness how beautifully the community came together during this time.

This past week I've found myself pacing and restless everytime the sun goes down. Amid the chaos with military, protesters out past curfew, white supremacists in our neighborhoods- I'm listening to my family who's telling me the KKK are shooting at unarmed black men on broadway. Unarmed because so many of our black men have had the right to protect themselves taken from them. What are they supposed to do to protect themselves?

The sun goes down, my people are out there, and on TV I see the military and police focusing all of their attention to South Minneapolis and Downtown protecting the primarily white protesters who decided to stay out past curfew. I've heard numerous government leaders confirm we have white supremacists in our communities, yet our Northside is left without protection.

But then again this is nothing new, police and military never offer true protection to black communities anyways. The thought of police and military riding over to the northside to "protect" seems like another opportunity for the black community to be harmed.

...What options for protection are left?

I'm powerless. As a white person and Ally I can't be out with them past curfew for primarily 3 reasons- #1 it's too hard to decipher whose an ally or a threat, #2- it puts our black men in danger of the system if a black man who is legally armed perceives you as a threat and shoots, and #3- Black men have always been stripped of the opportunity to protect their loved ones and community, let them guard and protect if that's what they want to do. It's not our place as white people to intervene on that. I share this in hopes that other allies can begin to understand that being an ally means being able to foresee how our actions could cause unintentional further harm in the midst of trying to support. Allyship is so much more than just supporting black people, it means taking the time to evaluate and understand how our own actions can contribute to harm and racism and making a conscious daily effort to be aware of the potential impact each decision we make will have on people of color.

All I can do is pray and hope to God that I'll get a response the next morning saying everyone is ok. I can't check in throughout the night because I don't want anyone looking down at their phones responding to messages when they need to be on high alert. So I sit in this place with my brothers and sisters of fear for the future. The same fear that's consumed black and brown communities for the last 400 years.

This is what Until We Are All Free, means to me.

I may be physically free, but emotionally and mentally I won't ever be 100% free until I don't have to worry about the safety and freedom of the people I love and care for. Their fight, is my fight, and we're gonna win this fight for Justice and Equity.

We're going to get justice for George, but right now it's time to come together and build a new system of protection that supports our black and brown communities. A system that doesn't seek to profit from putting people in cages, a system that meets human needs rather than government or privileged needs, a system rooted and armed with love rather than weapons. Another system of arming people with weapons will continue to hold the door open for injustice and inequity. If our community arms up right now with weapons the opportunity for harm against one another will be too great, and violence against each other will be a white supremacist win. It's time to be smart and thorough with a new system so we don't end up in the same place years down the road.

We know how hard it is to dismantle a system, we gotta get it right this time.